Mazel Tov

In case you hadn’t heard (and where have you been?) our resident friendly face The Babysitter got engaged last week. I had the good fortune to meet the future Mrs Babysitter at a shabbos meal last summer hosted by Moshe.

Tips to her new chosson (or ‘chossy’ as I call him): She doesnt eat fish with the heads attached, she doesn’t know where to buy alcohol, so you’ll have to get the Friday stock of Kedem (or Herzog if you’re all fancy-like) and she won’t eat much cholent. On the plus side, rumor has it she’s great with kids.

Now we watch, sadly as her blog falls by the wayside as more pressing matters spring up day to day until her married life is consumed with more urgent responsibilities than breathing life in an old e-journal. The pages will get dusty and yellowed, unread and forgotten as the seasons change and life moves on. Until someday, perhaps while pesach cleaning, she discovers her long forgotten words, dreams and hopes. Maybe she’ll crack open the cover and scan a few lines, reveling in the innocence and nostalgia of it all. And then, maybe, just maybe, she’ll begin to write a new post. “Hi, I know I haven’t been here in a while but so much has happened…”

…And We’re Back

It’s weird staring at a blank page when you haven’t written in so long. It’s like a chore to fill, and I have to say it’s been a breath of fresh air to get out of the habit of checking blog stats and comments several times a day. My popularity has obviously waned with the lack of new content, but after almost a month I was shocked to see I’m hovering around 100 hits a day. Sorry for letting all of you down day by day, or sorry to the one person who checks a hundred times a day for new content. I have no way of knowing which it is.

I did notice that during my absence blog buddies Frum Skeptic and Too Young To Teach got engaged! You know what that means? I think it means that me not posting is a segulah for girls with blogs to find their bashert. I suppose that would explain the fact that the shidduch crises has exploded since I started blogging. I’m sorry, really. Maybe someone can pay me not to blog ever again and end the crises once and for all?

So what have I been up to? Well firstly, I got that nose job that I’ve been promised ever since my sweet sixteen. Now I’m pretty at last. And my back no longer aches from carrying that thing around. While in the hospital, I had a lot of free time to play with my phone since ironically, I couldn’t find the charger for the battery pack I bought for my Zune for such a situation. Turns out my phone has a panorama option for the camera. I took a picture of my ward:

I also read some books that I’d been meaning to get to. “Yes Man” by Danny Wallace. (Better than the movie, but a bit slow to start). “How To Be Lost” by Amanda Eyre Ward. (Great, but I figured out the twist way too early, and the ending left me wanting), and also “The Runaway Jury” by John Grisham. (One of his best, mainly because he nails the ending for once. It’s also better than the movie, but the movie was pretty good).

After I recuperated, I flew to Senegal to help save the endangered lemur. That was until we got there and discovered that there are no lemurs in Senegal, and also, noone in the group was quite sure what exactly a lemur was, did, or looked like. Due to a series of freak accidents, we lost most of the group and all of our equipment, leaving me to crawl and beg my way back home on foot. Luckily, I managed to go back in time and publish a fictionalized version of my journey as a novel called “Hatchet“, the proceeds of which I used to pay for the rhinoplasty. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go take a shower.

Stay tuned for a Purim Post.

Frum Satire Is Now Heshy Fried

If you haven’t heard (and where have you been?) Frum Satires facebook account was closed and he’s now fully under his real name, Heshy Fried. Like many others, I’ve been asked to pass it along as he’s concerned about the drop in readers since 8% of his hits were through facebook. How does he even calculate that? Anyways, go ahead and add him. And add me, while you’re at it. What am I doing wrong? I have 98 facebook friends from the blog! Thats about a third of the hits I get in a day.

In related news, Frum Punk is now Chaim Tyrone McJewberg.

The Revolving Door

There’s two major blog subjects that I’m seeing more often these days. First is “I was raised frum, but I’m abandoning that lifestyle and here’s my blog about it“.

On the other side, we have “I’m converting to Judaism, Yay!”

Population replacement? Not quite, but it should hopefully sort out some of those genetic bottlenecks. To be fair, the “off the derech” blog theme is probably one of the oldest Jewish blog types, but there’s a wave of newer ones along the old standards. Worst thing is, all the catchy names are taken.

Outtatownin Aint Easy

As Kermit so nearly said, it’s not easy being from out-of-town. Everyones from New York, or as Moshe said when he friended me on Facebook: “You’re not from NY? I thought everyone was from New York?”

See, I was reading some blogs tonight, as is my want, and I started taking note of the content for once, instead of doing what I normally do and I assume I know what they’re talking about after reading the first few words then skipping to the end to leave a comment on how they’re wrong. And I realized how easy everyone has it. Everyone but me can blog about something that takes no effort. They can rant about Glatt Mart, or chassidim, or, I dunno, something else Brooklyn related or whatever. That’s the point, everything in New York, and even more-so in Jewish New York is bloggable. Brooklyn is a bloggers paradise! Remember when I was there for a week? I was blogging every day! You can go out for pizza and come back with blog material. You can blog about people, the food, the newspapers, the politics. Then you can blog about places afar and compare them to New York. Because as Frank Sinatra so nearly sang, it’s New. Bloody. York.

And I just don’t have that. I don’t have these Jewish social issues to blog about much. When I do, it’s normally because of something I read on a New Yorkers blog and it seemed odd to me. My blogging takes effort. I have to blog on something personal, or interesting, or I just try to be humorous. I can’t write something about a rude yeshiva guy on the subway, because we don’t have a subway, we have a train, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen another Jew on it at the same time as me. And noones ever been rude to me on it anyway.

Point is, I feel completely lost when Jewish issues get blogged on. I get envious when Frum Satire blogs about kiddushes. This wonderful place where the average shul kiddush involves more than cake, bisseli and crackers? Can it really exist. Weddings sound ridiculously over the top to me. I remember when I went to my first Brooklyn wedding, and it was ridiculously over the top. There was something in the realm of five different rooms, each with a different food group, replenished all night.

I’m going to end this post before it turns into a rant and rave about Brooklyn. But first, let me just insult you all for a minute, and probably lose all my readers: your accents. Speech patterns. Slang. What the h-e-double hockey stick? Not everyone sounds like it, but the stereotypical New York accent grates on me. That whiny stereotypical Brooklyn accent… why does it exist? My voice isn’t a musical symphony, but there’s something about New York accents from many strata’s that assaults the eardrum. From the Jewish Brooklyn to the buzzsaw Italian, it doesn’t work for me. I reached this epiphany last Shabbos while walking home with someone. We were discussing American girls, and I said, and he agreed, that the worst thing for me about raising my kids in New York would be to have kids who sound like New Yorkers.

You all hate me now, don’t you?

It’s Funny How We Don’t Talk Anymore

I Just Made CNN!

This is really weird. Go to this page: http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/12/01/attacks.orphan/index.html and click on “From The Blogs”.

See me, second one down? Odd…

Edit: I just read the story, and now I feel depressed and almost like I’m exploiting it somehow. Why’d they have to link me from that story? 😦

My Growing Blog

Not to brag, but for the second time so far I’ve made WordPresses ‘Blogs of the Day’ under the ‘Growing Blogs’ section. And this time I’m at 32.

Cool.

http://botd.wordpress.com/2008/11/17/growing-blogs-934/

Edit: Have you noticed the related links below are all other blogs celebrating the same thing?

So You Wanna Be A J-Blogger?

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking about how much time you spend reading blogs. And you come to the conclusion that that time could be put to better use. You’re thinking “I can do that. Doesn’t look so hard.” Instead of reading blogs, I could be writing a blog. (Obviously while reading other blogs. While reading mine you’re simply enthralled by my almost perfect blend of literacy, wit and humility. Staring into my brilliance with an equal mix of awe, envy and lust.) You’re jealous of the power an internationally renowned blogger like moi has. The screaming crowds greeting you at every airport, as you travel the world, premium economy class. And you want a piece of that for yourself. Or you’re just bored and want some attention. Either way.

Firstly, you must pick a topic. For example, if you’re a single female between the ages of 17 and 40 you should probably write an endless series of posts about how you’re still single and shidduchim suck. A pink theme and background is also a must-have, unless you’re edgy and depressed, in which case black is fine.

Are you married? In that case you must write about things like wife and kid events, as well as neighborhood stuff like shuls and shopping. You’re married, thats as edgy as you’re allowed to get. Don’t forget to compare shuls and shopping locations, especially if you live in Brooklyn, Lakewood or Monsey. (And complain about Brooklyn/Lakewood/Monsey.)

Ex-Yeshiva guy? You’ll want to show how ironic and sardonic you can be. Don’t forget to drop in some learning and chizuk to show you still got it.

Grew up orthodox and questioning your beliefs? You’re in excellent company my friend. Your first objective is to add all the doubter blogs to your blogroll. Then reiterate the points they’ve all made in your own words and with your own life experiences. Bonus points if you can come up with an original catchy nickname, as all the good ones have probably been taken. And of course, a chocolate chip cookie if you’re (ex) Chassidish.

Are you American who has made aliyah? Dude! You must write about Israel and what you’re doing day to day. You’ll want to compare things to America and talk about how much more spiritual you are now. Its also a great opportunity to take an interest in world events and affairs, but only from your new-found ultra right wing Zionist point of view. Combo breaker if you can find new ways to imply Barack Obama is the black Hitler. Don’t forget to write a light hearted post every once in a while about food, what you ate and where. And how awesome it is.

Are you in college? Secular college? (Secular college here is defined as not being a part of Touro.) Well then my friend, you’ve just got a new post every day about how strange your world has become. You have stepped out from the ghetto and seen the light of a college classroom filled with secular Jews, and possibly even some non-Jews! Award yourself a thousand point if you make a Muslim friend. Two thousand if you make a black friend. Is this friend a black Muslim? Then you’ve just won the game with an unbeatable combo. Thanks for playing.

Above all, you must follow blog etiquette. This means common courtesy. If someone blogrolls you, you blogroll them. Comment on posts you find interesting. This not only is nice for the blogger, but raises awareness of the blogee (you). And lastly, recognize the humor inherent in certain posts and don’t get mad. I never thought I would have to say that, but I learned the hard way in the early days of this blog that I often have to pre-specify when I’m kidding.

Blog Reviews

I’ve written some reviews of some of the blogs I read often. For the sake of fairness, I’ve limited it to people who I’ve met in real life, so you can be sure I have a good sense of the person behind the words. While writing this, I realized I would probably make a good restaurant critic or something.

Child Ish: Behold! A bastion of brilliance! Brutality bricked by brains, Child Ish channels chinuch checked with cheek. His words are an elixir for the soul and antiperspirant for the mind.

One Frum Skeptic: Sceptically speaking, OFS offers up otherworldly opinions on others. Ranting rapaciously, revealing wrongs and unravelling the rights resting within.

Jacob Da Jew: Jacob jests jovially, just because. Injustice demands Da Jew, dangerously deviant and definite with dialect. Fearlessly fantastic and freely ferocious. He’s never better than when he goes videoing with Frum Satire.

The Babysitter: Adorably awesome and always alert, Babysitter builds upon bounties of brilliance. Channeling child care with life lessons, she seldom sees anything but the best in any situation.

Insanity Now, Serenity Later: The Russian bear of the blogworld, Moshe meshes mind-melting maths with maybe the highest order of rants. He’s a martial arts master, a chief chef and a great gajin. Unpredictable, but he’ll never disappoint.

Modern Uberdox: Modern? Maybe. But a mighty mind melding modernity with mesechta. Wit winged with wisdom when walled with The Way.