Archive for the Weddings Category

Mi Scusi

Posted in Funny?, Me, Vanish, Weddings on March 5, 2010 by frumpunk

I’m sorry. So so sorry. This has been a very difficult time for all of you, I imagine. This long without a Frum Punk post? With no warning or hints as to my sudden disappearance? Sure, there were signs here and there. You knew my brother was getting married. You all know about my exploits and celebrity romances. I’m sure you’ve all seen the tabloids and that embarrassing video that a certain paparazzi website that shall remain nameless had up. I’m a very busy man, what can I say?

Well you’re partially right. It’s not that I didn’t want to post, far from it. But between the familial obligations that a simcha magnifies, the test taking obligations that midterms throughout December don’t deny, and the travelling obligations that I can’t deny myself, I simply havent been near enough to a computer in the past two months or so to give you what you want. Nay, need.

Yes, I got to do a bit of travelling. Spain, Italy, France… if there was a cheap flight there, an available list of kosher eateries and/or the promise that it would be sunny and potentially blizzard-free, I was there, tried to be there, or at least suggestively fondled a map of the place. But do you think I had fun? No! Picture me in Madrid, tanned and sun-blessed, holding a cup of coffee and trying my darndest to look European. It’s a pretty picture, but you couldn’t see the tormented man behind the curtain, racked with guilt, knowing the pleasure of the moment for me was at the cost of giving you, the people, what you want. Because you want me, you need me. I lift your spirits and tickle that special spot beneath your chin with my words, anecdotes, stories and terrible metaphors. You need me like an ant needs a wheel of cheese. Like a rebbetzin needs to model her husbands streimel when he leaves the house. Like a kosher lamp needs a shabbos clock to talk to at night when you go to sleep. (What, you don’t think they come alive at night?)

So I’m going to give it to you. Sure, I’ve missed the pre-purim season which is the best time of the year for bloggers to write all those things that don’t fit the rest of the year, but you’re getting it anyway. This is going to be some hot bloggeration. Shield the kids eyes.

In conclusion; thank you, thank you. You’re the best readers ever. Thank you for your support and patience. You’re the real winners here. These roses are for you. Thank you again, and good night. *Exit stage left*

Dress For A Funeral (It’s A Frum Wedding)

Posted in Frum, Girls, Heimish, Me, Politics, Weddings on November 22, 2009 by frumpunk

While my brother and his fiancée (is it frum to say ‘fiancee’?) plan their wedding, I get to sit back and watch so I can learn to plan for my own someday. Sadly for my own laziness, I’ve had to be involved in a small way, coordinating my various relatives expectations of what they can expect and be expected to do at a frum wedding.

My father’s family are not frum at all. Never were, probably never will be. My brother and his betrothed are both recently-flipped-out-in-Israel frum. (Last week he bought a Borsalino. True story.) The only religious functions my dads family has ever had to attend were our bar mitzvas. which compared to a wedding are pretty low scale events. All they had to do was show up in the right section at shul and not wear anything cut too low on top or too high below.

So I was on the phone with my cousin, trying to explain to her what to wear to the wedding, as their idea of traditional wedding outfits wouldn’t quite cut it amongst my brothers new crowd. Until I hit the simplest solution and directed them to onlysimchas.com with the instructions to “just wear what those girls are wearing”. Thousands of frum girls at hundreds of weddings must give them some idea of the expected outfits, right?

They called me back in less than five minutes wanting to know why everyone seems to be wearing black. Cue a montage of the girls outfits at every wedding I’ve ever been to in my mind and I realized the obvious. “Just dress for a funeral”.

Because it’s true, black is not the new black for frum Jews, it’s all there ever was. And not just for the girls, black suits, black shoes, black hat… if not for the white shirts we’d be invisible at night. The most color I ever see on most frum girls is maybe a pink sash or bow, but only over her all black outfit. Maybe that’s why jean girls are the casual standard, because if formal wear limits you to one color, who wants to have to wear it during regular days too? Although that doesn’t explain why the GAP hoodies are always navy or black as well.

I don’t have a closing. I just have a request for the girls. Why the all black and who enforces it? Because someone must be directing this mono-fashion show.

Mazel Tov Part II

Posted in Me, Shidduchim, Weddings on November 3, 2009 by frumpunk

I was never “in the parsha”. I never had a dating stage. I somehow managed to go from “I’m not dating right now” to my current status of “semi-engaged”. But before that period, I got the usual amount of people telling me I should totally go out with this or that girl. Because they’re just so heimish and lovely and if I procrastinate I’ll miss out. (Proved you wrong.)

My brother went back to Israel two years ago when he got laid off from his job. After a few months he realized he wanted to stay in Israel for the long haul and started getting in touch with shadchans, shadchonim, hockers, sem teachers, yentas, ballabustas and anyone else who might know the perfect girl and felt like playing matchmaker. About a month ago he told me he was finally dating someone he really liked. Two weeks ago he told me he thought this just might work out. And then a few days ago he confided in me he was going to propose to her. After hanging up with him something was nagging at me about this whole thing. The girl sounded familiar, but I was sure I didn’t know her. Suddenly I recalled a conversation I had with someone over a year ago:

Friend: Hey, I have the perfect girl for you! She went to sem with me and she’s really sweet, nice and funny and (insert adjectives here). Sarah * from *. You should think about dating her.

Me: I’m not exactly dating right now, but I’ll consider it…

And that’s who he was dating. And now they’re engaged. At the l’chaim I asked her if she remembered my friend from sem. I then passed on her mazel tov and sent an email to my friend asking her if she remembered suggesting her to me. Her response: “Well at least I had the right family! I’m getting better.”

Mazel Tov

Posted in blogs, shidduch, Shidduchim, Weddings on October 22, 2009 by frumpunk

In case you hadn’t heard (and where have you been?) our resident friendly face The Babysitter got engaged last week. I had the good fortune to meet the future Mrs Babysitter at a shabbos meal last summer hosted by Moshe.

Tips to her new chosson (or ‘chossy’ as I call him): She doesnt eat fish with the heads attached, she doesn’t know where to buy alcohol, so you’ll have to get the Friday stock of Kedem (or Herzog if you’re all fancy-like) and she won’t eat much cholent. On the plus side, rumor has it she’s great with kids.

Now we watch, sadly as her blog falls by the wayside as more pressing matters spring up day to day until her married life is consumed with more urgent responsibilities than breathing life in an old e-journal. The pages will get dusty and yellowed, unread and forgotten as the seasons change and life moves on. Until someday, perhaps while pesach cleaning, she discovers her long forgotten words, dreams and hopes. Maybe she’ll crack open the cover and scan a few lines, reveling in the innocence and nostalgia of it all. And then, maybe, just maybe, she’ll begin to write a new post. “Hi, I know I haven’t been here in a while but so much has happened…”

If You Can’t, Don’t

Posted in Rants, Weddings on December 14, 2008 by frumpunk

In Shul after mincha I saw a flyer that read like a modern piyut from Tishe B’av. A man telling how his life has been a living hell and now it’s his daughters wedding and it’s all he’s ever dreamed about, but he can’t afford it. He’ll be available for donations at the house of a prominant member of the community. In a local flyer I saw another solicitation for four separate couples, all of whom can’t afford the cost of their weddings.

And while I have all the sympathy in the world, I can’t understand what the cost of a wedding is. I understand the cost of making a wedding. I’ve been to enough lavish weddings, and worked at even more to know the costs can run into the hundreds of thousands. But if you can’t afford it, don’t. There’s no halacha to have a wedding dress, flowers, a hall, a full three course meal, a band, etc. All of these are things that make a wedding special and joyous, but if you can’t afford them why are you trying to? In the halachic sense, you just need something worth a perutah and a bride and groom. The chosson gives her the object and says “harey as mekudeshes li” and biblically, you’re married! Add to that a kesubah and two kosher eidim and there’s no disputing that fact.

I understand the emotions and the want to have a wedding the couple will remember. But even if you are soliciting money for a wedding, don’t make the wedding. If they’re so poor, give them the money to put a down payment on an apartment or other basic marital necessities. Blowing it on a one day party that will live only in photographs and cheesily recorded video is ludicrous.

There’s more wedding insanity that I’ve heard about recently, including the idea of renting a van to bring bochrim that I’d like to talk about, but that’s enough for discussion for now.

But then, maybe I’m just too emotionally detached from this? The glare of cold hard logic ruins my understanding of simchas and the finances involved?

I Need A Shidduch

Posted in Funny?, Heimish, Shidduchim, Weddings on November 24, 2008 by frumpunk

Oy, so I heard about this internet thing, and how some people are finding their zvigum through it? I have a friend who seems to know about this stuff, so I’ve asked him to post it for me on this internet thing. This was transcribed only while I was on the toilet so as not to chas v’shalom be bittul toyrah.

So where to begin? My name is Yaakov Chofetz Chaim Shmuelovitz-Feinstein. I’m twenty two years old bli ayin horah, and currently giving shiur in Lakewood. I previously learned in Mir Yerushalayim and Ponevitz, until my Rebbeim insisted there was nothing more they could teach me. My yichus includes Rashi, Tosefos, Rav Boruch Ber, The Baal Shem Tov, Rav Moshe Feinstein, Rav Henoch Leibowitz and the Lubavitcher Rebbe, just to name a few. I spend all my waking hours indoors learning, I can’t even step out for lunch because of bittul toyrah, and also because if I go outside I begin being hounded by modeling agencies begging me to consider being the face of some fashion label or other. My father gives a mesechta yomi shiur, and when he’s not doing that, he’s writing checks to tzedokah out of his vast fortune. I don’t know much about my mother, as I hold its untzniyos to know of females once you are weaned from wetting the bed, rochmona letzon, but I’m told she makes the best choolant in Kew Garden Hills, doesn’t hold by plastic table covers, and wears slip on shoes. She also organizes the annual sheiytal burning.

Now people have asked me what I’m looking for in a shidduch? Its not that important. I’ll be learning all day, so she’ll have to be content with shopping most of the time to keep her occupied, I suppose. Beyond that I don’t have any sort of requirements, if she can do that she’ll do just fine. So nu, internet people? Can you maybe do a suggestion?

(Note: Spur of the moment, inspired by the last part of this post.)

Gemora Sex Stories

Posted in Funny?, Heimish, Weddings on October 23, 2008 by frumpunk

Hesh has a hilarious post up about the euphemisms used in Yeshiva when sexual topics came up in the gemorah. One story that that just reminded me of; I don’t remember the mesechta, I wish I did. Basically, the gemorah asks a questions about a certain Rav (I think it was Rav Papa) concerning with how exactly he was able to have sexual relations with his wife when he was so fat. Apparently he was so fat that they reasoned his stomach would be getting in the way of his “ervah” (as our teachers called it). After a protracted discussion, the gemorah reaches the conclusion that as you get fatter, your “ervah” grows ever longer so you can always, y’know.

(I didn’t learn that in shiur btw, I knew this guy who was very good at learning, and also got a kick out of finding sexy stories in the gemorah. Very immature, and only slightly wrong. I mean, he was learning, right?)