Yeshiva Food

I forgot what it was like to subsist entirely on yeshiva food. I thought at my age, Mystery Meat and Unidentified Stew were things of the past. Unfortunately I forgot just what yeshiva food is like sometimes. I was ill for the past two days, apparently throwing up the contents of my stomach from the past few months. When I wasn’t hugging the porcelain I was alternating between sweating and being freezing. At one point I seriously considered the possibility that I’d caught swine flu from the yeshiva food. Most people can take it, but they’ve been here long enough that they’re hardened and acclimated to it, like the way a championship boxer thinks nothing of several blows to the skull. I spent forty shek on a bunch of pink tablets that the guy at the pharmacy assured me would make me feel better. Or maybe he was saying it’ll help me grow a third nipple. My Hebrew is terrible and he didn’t speak English, so either one is a possibility. Plus, Israeli medicine… it could be for my stomach with the extra nipple being a side effect. If I could read ivrit I’d probably realize it has “additional nipple” listed as a possible effect, right after “anal leakage”.

Now for my generic Israel complaint. Why can’t you buy juice? I have a Pepsi Max addiction, and I thought I’d hit the perfect drink (tastes great, no calories) until this girl who seems to have this ridiculous ability to make me want to make her happy asked me to healthen (no, not “heathen”) myself up a bit. I told her you can’t drink the tap water here (I have, but it tastes terrible) and bottled water isn’t cheaper than soda. So we agreed on juice, except that the only juices I could find were basically soda or syrup anyway. No normal not-from-concentrate apple juice or anything. I found the prigat apple nectar, but I’ve had it and it’s not the juice I’m looking for. I did find juice later, at the other end of the supermarket. The prigat organic freshly squeezed orange juice. For twenty shek. No thanks. That would buy me four Pepsi Max’s with change left over. I think the prigat company is in cahoots with the sun to make me thirsty all the time. And they’ve paid her to make me feel guilty for loading my body up with sugar. It’s a massive conspiracy against me, I tell ya.

13 Responses to “Yeshiva Food”

  1. (Chuckling)

    If she cares so much have her send you a juicer! And then you can make cucumber water (which I imagine would be much cheaper than Prigat). Infuse it with a bit of peppermint and it’ll be lovely. Or drink tea, tea is always cheap. She can’t object to tea.

    I know. TEA? In hot weather? It’s an old trick I learned from my Russians–you drink hot beverages and raise your internal body temperature so you don’t feel the external heat nearly as much. It’s worth a shot.

  2. Cucumber juice? W00t?

    Hey, if u want Cuc juice, just go to any frummie wedding, They have those chafing dishes of cucmbers on every table, plenty of mitz there 🙂

    Feel better yo. I’m just getting over myself from some nawsty brochitis.

  3. =-O OH. So the B part was a SECRET. I see.


  4. The juicer is a fantastic idea, save the fact of varying voltages and that it takes 8 weeks and $5,000.00 for anything to be shipped to Israel, except the short answer is that she probably doesn’t love you. 🙂

    PP: There was a secret? What are you talking about?

    JdJ: Cucumbers in a chaffing dish? Hot cucumbers? Is this an actual thing?

  5. oooohlalaaaa lets hear more abt the girl

  6. Try the syrup stuff, its a real boost……. I dont know of what but its a boost.

  7. Try the syrup stuff, its a real boost……. I dont know of what but its a boost.
    Sorry, forgot to add great post! Can’t wait to see your next post!

  8. I vote for tea. Dunno where you’ll find in Israel, but genmai-cha and mugi-cha are great in hot weather. Actually, mugi-cha you can make yourself. Pan roast half a bag of barley until brown, put it into a vegetable bag and add to 2 liters of boiling water together with a couple bags of green tea.

  9. Moshe. I have swallowed a lot of weird stuff, but pan-roasted barley water? It’s l yours, friend. We’re not gonna fight you for it…

  10. Baka gaijin!
    It’s one of the main drinks in the summer in Japan.

  11. Mrs. Lakewood Falling Down Says:

    i would ditch the juice idea if you want to “healthen” up. Juice is a waste of calories. It’s full of sugar and has virtually no nutritional benifit (with the exception of OJ) Stick to what what works for you and add a salad instead.

  12. what yeshiva?

  13. authentic yeshivish blog


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