Archive for the Purim Category

I Still Don’t Like Purim

Posted in Funny?, Girls, Me, Purim, Rants, Yom Tov on March 18, 2009 by frumpunk

I’m sorry, I know purim is supposed to be the happiest day of the year and everyones favorite holiday, but it always ends up leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I’ve recently realized that the only reason I ever did like purim was because in high school and younger you could start to slack off from rosh chodesh Adar and it was basically sanctioned. In fact, my very first purim post high school ended badly. I’d like to officially apologize to my roommate for the vomit, the plumber for the diarrhea and the rest of my roommates for the lack of clothes (all three are directly linked). I’m wondering if at this point someone just realized who I am.

This purim was no exception. As a sneak preview, I get sexually mauled by both sexes. But I wouldn’t have thought it would end that way considering I started the night shpieling in the old yeshivish fashion. Here’s a tip: Don’t shpiel with someone who knows every single family personally. Because you end up standing around the living room after your song and donation while he and the parents play catch-up and “who’s doing what now?”. At least at two of the houses I got to sit around refilling my shot glass while they kvetched, mamished and eppesed.

So after the shpiel route was done, I get a text to come to a shul party. It was fine, met some people I know, met some people I now know, and had some more l’chaims. Nothing wrong with that. For those of you who Facebook friended me, you’ll know it was my birthday that day as well (and for those of you who haven’t, why not, nu?). This is significant because I kept having to have drinks with people, more than I usually would. I’m a bit fuzzy here, but at some point I left that and was wandering the streets, possibly in search of someone, when I got a text to come to another party at someones house. (I never ignore a text telling me to go somewhere. It’s my weakness.)

I should have had a feeling of foreboding about this one, but I was too drunk to spell “foreboding” so that was right out. But I should have had a warning, when I passed a drunk frum guy in a superman outfit. As we pass he turns to look at me. Then he told me I was “f***ing hot” and attempted to kiss me. I was drunk, but lucid enough to turn my head just in time so he only got me on the cheek. That should have told me the fun part of the night was over. But no, I stumbled/ran away from his homoerotic advances in the general direction of the house. It wasn’t far. I was safe. As soon as I enter someone sees me and announces to all that it is my birthday. This led to me downing a table row of vodka shots. I’m a sucker for peer-pressure.

The announcement also got me the attention of a girl, who happily told me she was just back from sem. When it turned out we both go to the same college, we were apparently married, as she became the second person to hug me that night, though admittedly the more welcome of the two. Oh, and then she hung from my arm all night, refusing to leave. No big deal, until I decided to head home. As she had joined us at the hip, I agreed to walk her to her house since it was on the way to mine anyway. All was well until we got there, when she started violently vomiting. And as much as I keep shomer negiah, I figured some rules can be broken if it means avoiding a Jimi Hendrix-style death, so my purim night, which started off with such promise, ended up with me holding a girl up by her stomach as she spewed was looked like white rice all over the driveway. Now I was later told that being nice to a drunk girl is a no-no, as it sends the wrong message. I found that one out when she looked at me after she finished losing weight, smiled and suddenly tried to violently kiss me. That was my signal to head home, thankfully alone, as she proceeded to stumble inside and pass out.

Although she did text me the next day. But I weighed it, and figured I wouldn’t want to have to tell the story of how we met. So no.

Chanukah Kicks Tuchus

Posted in Chanukah, Purim, Yom Tov on December 18, 2008 by frumpunk

Chanukah is the single greatest yom tov we have. And not just because it gave me a reason to use the word “tuchus” in a title.

Finally, we have a yom tov that doesn’t involve massive amounts of over-consumption. It doesn’t stop us from driving, using the computer or (G-D forbid), Facebooking. It doesn’t involve any whining, for once we came out the victors. Its the “tough-Jew” holiday, the perennial favorite of the JDF and Kahanists.

But what about Purim, you ask? I’m not a fan of Purim. If you’re one of the few people still around from when I began, you’ll remember that one of my first posts was how I don’t like Purim. Drunk people and fifteen year olds peeing in the streets do nothing for me, especially when I had to explain to a local Irish family why the kids from the Yeshiva near them in their small town were kicking fences and peeing. They were just watching like it was the best show in ages, which considering where they lived, might have been true.

But back to Chanukah, it makes no heavy demands on you, it’s basically an after school/work yom tov. You get to eat chocolate money and eat latkes. Everyone has an excuse to eat doughnuts. I actually feel odd if I eat a jelly doughnut during the year, because it’s so tied in with chanukah to me.

Just a few gripes: We need new songs. Even Y-Love and Erran Cohens take does little to really spice it up for me anymore. Where’s the chanukah equivalent of “White Christmas”? Is it maybe because its so hard to rhyme “chanukah”? Next; We need a mascot. Chanukah Chaim is just a cheap imitation of Santa. How about a new story for the kids? Yehuda Maccabi comes out of the oil and gives jelly doughnuts too all the erlich boys and girls? Decorations. I can’t stand the fact that Jewish houses look so dull while “goyish” but we all do that as well. On that note, this might be just my family, but does anyone else decorate the succah with Christmas fairy lights and stuff?

Blurring The Lines Of Sanity

Posted in Purim, Rants on July 7, 2008 by frumpunk

Someone sent me this ad from last Purim. Can you tell what’s wrong with this picture and what are your thoughts on it. Click the picture to open it full size.

Purim.

Posted in Me, Purim on March 21, 2008 by frumpunk

I did.

Purim Pic

I Don’t Really Like Purim

Posted in Purim, Rants with tags , on March 19, 2008 by frumpunk

There, I said it.

Purim for me is one of the more annoying days of the year. My abiding memories of Purims past include watching people I formerly respected sobbing incoherently and trying to explain to some fascinatingly watching goyim why a bunch of 14 year olds from the local Yeshiva are stumbling around the street, drunk, swearing, smoking and… erm… pissing on their wall.

Being drunk doesn’t excite me. I’m of the legal age, I can drink whenever I want. I never saw the point of being drunk anyway. You act stupid until you vomit and pass out, then wake up with a headache. Totally killer dude. I’d rather be high. Better feeling with no after effects. (But I’m not endorsing either. Just pointing out drinking is anyway the worst form to get those effects.) I got drunk on Purim once, in yeshiva the first year we managed to get a keg. We started drinking right after the fast ended and we didn’t get much from the yeshiva to break the fast on so I was drinking on an empty stomach. I told some embarrassing secrets about my childhood to someone, danced like crazy at the chagigah, then decided to go to bed. As soon as I lay down my head started spinning, I began to vomit all over my roomates stuff. Then finished in the bathroom, and suddenly got diarrhea. So there I am, drunk, with what I’ve eaten coming out of one end and what I’ve drunk coming out of the other. So as not to get them dirty I took my clothes off, then decided to catch some fresh air. And… yup.

I know who really does enjoy Purim: Yeshiva people. From Rosh Chodesh they begin. You see, Purim is the one time of the year they can stop learning, legally. Seders become shorter and shorter as everyone “prepares” for Purim. Then on Purim itself, they can legally be drunk and sloppy, just like I suspect they wish they could be more often. For once a year they get to be frivolous, and they live for it. They even get to ignore halacha. See, there’s only a mitzvah on Purim to drink wine and get drunk off of wine… tell that to the bochur with the five flavors of Absolut.

Those of us who can do what we want because we decide our own lives, find this less interesting.  And I hear its a nightmare for the girls. Besides the fact the men are drinking while you serve food, they have to endure sanctioned sexism and comeons. I remember when I was in Israel the sems would lock up the outside gate all day Purim. I remember a friend having to escort his sister home through the crowds of drunk bochrim and teenagers in Har Nof. I remember being thirteen watching the Rosh Yeshivas seventeen year old son crying in the bathroom because he went over to a girl and tried to explain how much he liked her. (This was at a yeshiva purim party with the women behind a mechitza peeking in at the dancing.) I believe the first two points basically indicate that the frum world expects their men and boys to become rapists when they’re drunk and the knowledge that everyone else is drunk and won’t judge their actions.

Totally killer, dude.