This Week in Heimishness

In an exclusive interview today, noted heimish nutritionist Feivel Yomtovstein released the findings of his ten month study into the eating habits of Jewish New Yorkers.

The study revealed that most people have a serious lack of heimish in their diets. Heimishness, or as it is known to the scientific world, “Vitamin H” is responsible for the parts of the brain that regulate yiddisheness, heiligehness and moiradikness. A reduced intake of heimishness has been directly linked to several ailments such as reduced beard growth, increased use of English, less delicious chicken soup, and jeans.

Vitamin H can be found in many food such as cholent, Avenue J pizza, and kugel (potato or yerushalmi only). While trace amounts of heimish have been found in other foods such as Paskez candy and shawarma, for a full days supply of heimish that the body needs, most experts recommend cholent. “Its amazing, but our studies have concluded that a single bowl of cholent can supply the body with enough heimish to last at least two days” one expert said. It should be noted of course, that the heimish content of cholent is directly related to its contents, and seems to be linked to increased meat and oil present in a cholent. Studies done on a vegetarian cholent found little to no trace of heimishess. “It was just a tasteless stew” one study participant noted.

To ensure that the community becomes aware of their findings, plans are under way to distribute food charts to the heimishe velt. These charts, based upon the pyramid system first used by nutritionists in 1954, are similar the current ones used by the secular world (R”L) but with the section for fruit and vegetables replaced by a new “heimish food group” designed to take into account the added need for heimishness that a yiddeshe body has. The chart recommends at least four to six servings a day of cholent, kugel and other oily foods. This has sparked much debate among nutritionists as to the exact nature of heimishness and why only Jews seem to suffer from a lack of it while the average non-Jewish male can go his entire life without a bowl of cholent and suffer no apparent ill-effects.

Dr Redbeard Rothbard, noted non-Jew, speculates that the natural selection that existed due to forced segregation among the Jewish population in Europe from the 5th to 18th centuries is the cause of not only exclusive diseases such as Tay Sachs but also developed a certain gland or brain hormone among the Jews that is the direct cause of the ill effects suffered by an absence of heimishness. Dr Rothbard plans to release his findings in a future issue of American Health.

11 Responses to “This Week in Heimishness”

  1. Truly amazing. i feel so enlightened. I think I’m going to have to go out ad buy me some good old heimishe chulent for lunch. Thank you for such an informing article.

  2. That was so funny, I’m cracking up! Well done.

  3. One of the problems is that my family has a lot of allergies. My son is allergic to the protein in vitamin H, and it manifests as a difficulty when his Rebbe lapses into “yeshiva speak”. The school refuses to allow my son to have supplemental ruggelach in class to address the problem. I am only slightly vitamin H intolerant, and will indulge in the cholent only to have it come back to haunt me in the wee hours of the night…

  4. mm…an excuse to eat chulent. 🙂

    Awesome post 🙂

  5. That was great, hysterical!

    Although about the chullent part, I have to disagree with the vegetarian one being just a tasteless stew. Since by definition a stew had meat and potatoes, so if there’s no meat then it’s not a stew.

  6. That was mad funny. Is there a problem having to much Vitamin H and for someone lacking in Vitamin H is there a pill to take.

  7. So that’s why I wear jeans and t-shirt during the week and no jacket or hat on shabbat.
    But why does everything good for you taste so bad?! Bean cholent, bleh.

  8. You forgot to mention suppluments such as “Galach” taken in case of emergency or herring which builds the immune system/

  9. Good one Jacob.
    Mike: Eventually you’ll be able to buy chopped herring in a pill which should supply enough Vitamin H until you can get to a bowl of cholent.

  10. ברוכים הבאים צי היימיש שמועסן איו טעלפון שמועסן זייט היימיש שעם זיך נישט

    Jewish Chat Room, Heimish Yiddish Phone ChatOwners:…Professor…Shaifeleh…BeNice…Jake…Dimp…Kingdavid… Moderators:…Stan…Josh…Nisht… Lovey

    http://heimishsex.com/

  11. […] most heimish place in the world (right after Brooklyn). As you know, I’m something of a heimishologist and while the subject requires further research, I firmly believe that the addition of grease […]

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