This Week in Heimishness
In an exclusive interview today, noted heimish nutritionist Feivel Yomtovstein released the findings of his ten month study into the eating habits of Jewish New Yorkers.
The study revealed that most people have a serious lack of heimish in their diets. Heimishness, or as it is known to the scientific world, “Vitamin H” is responsible for the parts of the brain that regulate yiddisheness, heiligehness and moiradikness. A reduced intake of heimishness has been directly linked to several ailments such as reduced beard growth, increased use of English, less delicious chicken soup, and jeans.
Vitamin H can be found in many food such as cholent, Avenue J pizza, and kugel (potato or yerushalmi only). While trace amounts of heimish have been found in other foods such as Paskez candy and shawarma, for a full days supply of heimish that the body needs, most experts recommend cholent. “Its amazing, but our studies have concluded that a single bowl of cholent can supply the body with enough heimish to last at least two days” one expert said. It should be noted of course, that the heimish content of cholent is directly related to its contents, and seems to be linked to increased meat and oil present in a cholent. Studies done on a vegetarian cholent found little to no trace of heimishess. “It was just a tasteless stew” one study participant noted.
To ensure that the community becomes aware of their findings, plans are under way to distribute food charts to the heimishe velt. These charts, based upon the pyramid system first used by nutritionists in 1954, are similar the current ones used by the secular world (R”L) but with the section for fruit and vegetables replaced by a new “heimish food group” designed to take into account the added need for heimishness that a yiddeshe body has. The chart recommends at least four to six servings a day of cholent, kugel and other oily foods. This has sparked much debate among nutritionists as to the exact nature of heimishness and why only Jews seem to suffer from a lack of it while the average non-Jewish male can go his entire life without a bowl of cholent and suffer no apparent ill-effects.
Dr Redbeard Rothbard, noted non-Jew, speculates that the natural selection that existed due to forced segregation among the Jewish population in Europe from the 5th to 18th centuries is the cause of not only exclusive diseases such as Tay Sachs but also developed a certain gland or brain hormone among the Jews that is the direct cause of the ill effects suffered by an absence of heimishness. Dr Rothbard plans to release his findings in a future issue of American Health.