So You Wanna Be A J-Blogger?

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking about how much time you spend reading blogs. And you come to the conclusion that that time could be put to better use. You’re thinking “I can do that. Doesn’t look so hard.” Instead of reading blogs, I could be writing a blog. (Obviously while reading other blogs. While reading mine you’re simply enthralled by my almost perfect blend of literacy, wit and humility. Staring into my brilliance with an equal mix of awe, envy and lust.) You’re jealous of the power an internationally renowned blogger like moi has. The screaming crowds greeting you at every airport, as you travel the world, premium economy class. And you want a piece of that for yourself. Or you’re just bored and want some attention. Either way.

Firstly, you must pick a topic. For example, if you’re a single female between the ages of 17 and 40 you should probably write an endless series of posts about how you’re still single and shidduchim suck. A pink theme and background is also a must-have, unless you’re edgy and depressed, in which case black is fine.

Are you married? In that case you must write about things like wife and kid events, as well as neighborhood stuff like shuls and shopping. You’re married, thats as edgy as you’re allowed to get. Don’t forget to compare shuls and shopping locations, especially if you live in Brooklyn, Lakewood or Monsey. (And complain about Brooklyn/Lakewood/Monsey.)

Ex-Yeshiva guy? You’ll want to show how ironic and sardonic you can be. Don’t forget to drop in some learning and chizuk to show you still got it.

Grew up orthodox and questioning your beliefs? You’re in excellent company my friend. Your first objective is to add all the doubter blogs to your blogroll. Then reiterate the points they’ve all made in your own words and with your own life experiences. Bonus points if you can come up with an original catchy nickname, as all the good ones have probably been taken. And of course, a chocolate chip cookie if you’re (ex) Chassidish.

Are you American who has made aliyah? Dude! You must write about Israel and what you’re doing day to day. You’ll want to compare things to America and talk about how much more spiritual you are now. Its also a great opportunity to take an interest in world events and affairs, but only from your new-found ultra right wing Zionist point of view. Combo breaker if you can find new ways to imply Barack Obama is the black Hitler. Don’t forget to write a light hearted post every once in a while about food, what you ate and where. And how awesome it is.

Are you in college? Secular college? (Secular college here is defined as not being a part of Touro.) Well then my friend, you’ve just got a new post every day about how strange your world has become. You have stepped out from the ghetto and seen the light of a college classroom filled with secular Jews, and possibly even some non-Jews! Award yourself a thousand point if you make a Muslim friend. Two thousand if you make a black friend. Is this friend a black Muslim? Then you’ve just won the game with an unbeatable combo. Thanks for playing.

Above all, you must follow blog etiquette. This means common courtesy. If someone blogrolls you, you blogroll them. Comment on posts you find interesting. This not only is nice for the blogger, but raises awareness of the blogee (you). And lastly, recognize the humor inherent in certain posts and don’t get mad. I never thought I would have to say that, but I learned the hard way in the early days of this blog that I often have to pre-specify when I’m kidding.