So You Wanna Be A J-Blogger?

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking about how much time you spend reading blogs. And you come to the conclusion that that time could be put to better use. You’re thinking “I can do that. Doesn’t look so hard.” Instead of reading blogs, I could be writing a blog. (Obviously while reading other blogs. While reading mine you’re simply enthralled by my almost perfect blend of literacy, wit and humility. Staring into my brilliance with an equal mix of awe, envy and lust.) You’re jealous of the power an internationally renowned blogger like moi has. The screaming crowds greeting you at every airport, as you travel the world, premium economy class. And you want a piece of that for yourself. Or you’re just bored and want some attention. Either way.

Firstly, you must pick a topic. For example, if you’re a single female between the ages of 17 and 40 you should probably write an endless series of posts about how you’re still single and shidduchim suck. A pink theme and background is also a must-have, unless you’re edgy and depressed, in which case black is fine.

Are you married? In that case you must write about things like wife and kid events, as well as neighborhood stuff like shuls and shopping. You’re married, thats as edgy as you’re allowed to get. Don’t forget to compare shuls and shopping locations, especially if you live in Brooklyn, Lakewood or Monsey. (And complain about Brooklyn/Lakewood/Monsey.)

Ex-Yeshiva guy? You’ll want to show how ironic and sardonic you can be. Don’t forget to drop in some learning and chizuk to show you still got it.

Grew up orthodox and questioning your beliefs? You’re in excellent company my friend. Your first objective is to add all the doubter blogs to your blogroll. Then reiterate the points they’ve all made in your own words and with your own life experiences. Bonus points if you can come up with an original catchy nickname, as all the good ones have probably been taken. And of course, a chocolate chip cookie if you’re (ex) Chassidish.

Are you American who has made aliyah? Dude! You must write about Israel and what you’re doing day to day. You’ll want to compare things to America and talk about how much more spiritual you are now. Its also a great opportunity to take an interest in world events and affairs, but only from your new-found ultra right wing Zionist point of view. Combo breaker if you can find new ways to imply Barack Obama is the black Hitler. Don’t forget to write a light hearted post every once in a while about food, what you ate and where. And how awesome it is.

Are you in college? Secular college? (Secular college here is defined as not being a part of Touro.) Well then my friend, you’ve just got a new post every day about how strange your world has become. You have stepped out from the ghetto and seen the light of a college classroom filled with secular Jews, and possibly even some non-Jews! Award yourself a thousand point if you make a Muslim friend. Two thousand if you make a black friend. Is this friend a black Muslim? Then you’ve just won the game with an unbeatable combo. Thanks for playing.

Above all, you must follow blog etiquette. This means common courtesy. If someone blogrolls you, you blogroll them. Comment on posts you find interesting. This not only is nice for the blogger, but raises awareness of the blogee (you). And lastly, recognize the humor inherent in certain posts and don’t get mad. I never thought I would have to say that, but I learned the hard way in the early days of this blog that I often have to pre-specify when I’m kidding.

48 Responses to “So You Wanna Be A J-Blogger?”

  1. very funny post!!!!

    but just for the record- this does NOT count as a post about me. nice try tho

  2. “premium economy class”

    that’s funny.

    Funny how you put in a million links to shidduchim type blogs. While I will never write about such a topic I do enjoy reading them. My first blog I read was Bad4Shidduchim.

    lol, about the backgrounds, I noticed that too!

    You summed up the J-Blogosphere all right!
    Now I know what to start posting about…

    “Comment on posts you find interesting.”
    I try to comment on all posts so that no one can tell what I find interesting, and so that there shouldn’t be prejudice amongst posts.

  3. Here is me leaving a relevant comment to get traffic to my blog. I want everyone to know that I am just out there to get attention.

    “Look at me. Look at me.”

    O and if you don’t happen to agree with what I have to say, you don’t really count.

    And while we are sharing, I was just wondering where the best place to buy some outrage eggs, I hear they are all the rage nowadays.

  4. My theme isn’t pink or black…what does say about me…that I might actually different after all? Nah, I just look better in White.

    And ditto Es…this doesn’t count.

  5. TooYoungToTeach: Your are an exception, cause your on wordpress, most are on blogger.

  6. WordPress: The Bloghost of Champions.

    Es: Darn

    Babysitter: Thanks, though you may be overthinking it. I doubt anyone is getting jealous because someone comments on another blog more than others.

    Child Ish: That’s the spirit!

    Tooyoung: White is nice, but I hear black is slimming. (See, I tied this comment into your latest post!)

  7. I know I haven’t blogged in a while, but where do I fit in here? I don’t write about shidduchim or groceries. Hmmmm..gotta post more regularly and I might be famous!

  8. I second the WordPress sentiments.
    And you are too sharp to have gotten my double entendre.
    Two points for you, except I don’t need advantages black offers.

  9. “Are you married? In that case you must write about things like wife and kid events, as well as neighborhood stuff like shuls and shopping. Youโ€™re married, thats as edgy as youโ€™re allowed to get. Donโ€™t forget to compare shuls and shopping locations, especially if you live in Brooklyn, Lakewood or Monsey. (And complain about Brooklyn/Lakewood/Monsey.) ”

    Dude, you nailed my blog! Or did you?

  10. Mrs. Lakewood falling down Says:

    lol!! you write very well. I just live vicariously under LFD’s name and often comment on his blog. Do you have a spot for me?

  11. done really well. You get extra points for doing a Havel Haveilim and being funny about it.

  12. And if you’re a psycho who prob has ADD, you write about everything and bitch about everything. ๐Ÿ˜€

  13. frumgirls Says:

    I like this post: Hit the nail on the head.

  14. i doubt I’m relevant here cuz i don’t think you’ve ever my blog, but i don’t only blog about how weird my classmates are. and i haven’t made any Muslim friends yet.

    and i am NOT edgy and depressed…and anyway who cares cuz the whole world is stupid. life sucks and then you die.

  15. Tag! I’m it. Seriously, you got me good. But that doesn’t mean I’m not having fun. Out of curiosity, do you know any Jewish conspiracy blogs? They might be fun!

  16. Great post and so, so true. Although you left out the part about posting on a regular basis (I totally fall short on that one). Have a great Shabbos Kodesh.

  17. This is an awesome hysterical post! I read a bunch of blogs and well. . . let’s just say your descriptions are very accurate.

  18. Very funny! Thanks!

  19. absolutely right on the mark!

  20. my blog is definitely PINK and i like it!

  21. On second thought, I don’t know of any other blogs dedicated entirely to frum experiences in secular colleges and grad schools.

  22. Did you hear the new one about Obama being Gog from Yechekel.

    Doh, I resemble that remark.

  23. B”H

    And,….if you’ve been brainwashed by Google, you can go around to other people’s blogs and say how much you despise WordPress, which even non-Jews can do.

    I hate WordPress.

  24. “Are you American who has made aliyah? Dude! You must write about Israel and what youโ€™re doing day to day. Youโ€™ll want to compare things to America and talk about how much more spiritual you are now. Its also a great opportunity to take an interest in world events and affairs, but only from your new-found ultra right wing Zionist point of view.”

    You got me.

  25. lol. You forget to mention those blogs such as Dov Bear where…. certain people stop by to repeat what they memorized like a parrot to argue with him. And almost always the last comment for those posts are “you are kofrim” ๐Ÿ˜€

  26. It’s amazing, I said that I’m never going to write about shiduchim, then on Shabbos I went to a shiur, and the Rav mentioned one thing about shidduchim and I included that in my post, so then I guess I didn’t keep my word.

    btw, is the comment above mine spam? It’s weird that it says “ohel” but then the search word makes me think it’s spam.

  27. FrumGirl1: there may not be a blog dedicated to the same theme as yours, but I have noticed blogs that discuss the secular college life in their blog.

  28. Oh the Israel one is fabulous. As are the others.
    -chuckling away-

  29. […] Punk let’s us in on what one must do in order to become a successful JBlogger, demonstrating both how vast and how limited the JBlogosphere is. Man… I’ve never even […]

  30. Dont forget the occasional youtube video or picture.

    (And you get extra points for decent photoshop work)

  31. You forgot to talk mention Orthopraxy and Documentary Hypothesis.

  32. Terrific post! You had me giggling!

  33. Nice Post, I’d probably fit most in the bloc of going to college, though I have a tendency to ramble about other things as well…..

  34. Dude thanks for the exposure!!! Free endorsements are the best!!

  35. Seriously though you should really knock that chip off your shoulder….

  36. Not really sure how mine fits into this hierarchy. My background IS pink, though I’ve thought about changing it. I’m definitely not frum, I’m post college, unmarried and yet rarely focused on the dating game. Maybe you can tell me more about myself?

  37. KT: Unless you run a different blog I didn’t link to you.

    Shtetl Fabulous: You’re just trying to be different for the sake of it. :/

  38. I was kidding, guess I gotta pre-specify

  39. Humor is really hard to detect on the internet. Thats why smileys were invented. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  40. Huh? What about marrieds with hubbies, not wives? There’s tons for jbloggers to write about, like kosher restaurants etc, and don’t forget all the jblog carnivals, like the KCC.

  41. Speaking of KCC, I’m hosting this month. Submit your links!

    And I do both the Aliyah and mommy thing. Very complicated, orginal stuff. Stop by some time and see!

  42. I just started a blog today (ilikemusicdoyou.blogspot.com). I fall into the ex-yeshiva-boy category. Only I’m not as bitter as most of the other blogs that I read ๐Ÿ™‚

  43. nope – missed me, unless i just scrolled right past the “convert who writes about 612ers and other glaring contrasts within the juniverse” category. maybe i should read more carefully?

  44. That is frikin hilarious. This is why unfortunately i stay away from the J- blog world. Its well dull. Come on fellow yidden lets think of something new and exciting to write about. I feel so alone in the indie craft world.

  45. It’s da Bomb!! Better late than never,yust found it,keep up the meshugass.

  46. LOL a Black Muslim…you win the game. THAT is classic ๐Ÿ˜€ !

  47. ื‘ืจื•ื›ื™ื ื”ื‘ืื™ื ืฆื™ ื”ื™ื™ืžื™ืฉ ืฉืžื•ืขืกืŸ ืื™ื• ื˜ืขืœืคื•ืŸ ืฉืžื•ืขืกืŸ ื–ื™ื™ื˜ ื”ื™ื™ืžื™ืฉ ืฉืขื ื–ื™ืš ื ื™ืฉื˜

    Jewish Chat Room, Heimish Yiddish Phone ChatOwners:…Professor…Shaifeleh…BeNice…Jake…Dimp…Kingdavid… Moderators:…Stan…Josh…Nisht… Lovey

    http://heimishsex.com/

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: