Things never heard enough on shidduch dates:

Yeshiva? *whistles* Man, crazy times. I’m telling you craaa-zeeee…

Ideally I’d like to live somewhere rural. Maybe Tennessee.

Soooo, a Prius huh?

I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. Let us dine together on you.

My fathers in Kollel, and hopes to support us…

Look at my Borsalino, it’s so black! It’s like, how much more blacker could it be? The answer is none. None more black.

Well besides my blog I also enjoy… have you read my blog? You really should. I mean, really.

And then the Super-Cops came! And I punched one of them in the mouth!

I still can’t believe Ner Jake accepted me!

I’ll have a side of garlic bread.

I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Can we just stop in here? I need a new nose hair trimmer.

…but the secretary would cover anything un-tzniyus with a marker! Hardly worth subscribing, y’knowhatImean? *winks*

Whats that? You want me to drink you?

I’ll have a glass of the house and the lady will have a water. Tap.

Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.

Do these fries taste extra-heimish to you?

Yeah, it was weird. But frankly, we were just happy Rabbi Stern stopped using the F word for one sentence.

It was sad though; he never did manage to squeeze that gerbil out. Poor thing.

How do you feel about feet?

I think teal is the most voracious color.

…so we got into the club. Man, those gazombas… they were like… y’know when you perfectly inflate a balloon?

Please, call me Maestro.

So I got an ‘A’. I always hated shopping for underwear after that.

And of course: When asked what you want to do tonight, the immediate response is from Pinky and the Brain. (I really feel this is an underutilized response).

19 Responses to “Things never heard enough on shidduch dates:”

  1. That last one hits pretty close to home. Anytime I say to my husband, “So, what do you want to do tonight?” I always get the same response. “The same thing we do every night, Pinky…”

  2. lol lol. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Wow. Those were seriously funny. If I knew there were more Jewish guys with that much of a sense of humor, I wouldn’t have intermarried…

    Nice blog by the way. Good writing is hard to come by.

  4. Thanks LMR, but Jewish guys have no sense of humor? Most non-Jews I know pretty much associate us with comedy. Woody Allen, Philip Roth, Jerry Seinfeld, Adam Sandler, Groucho Marx, The Three Stooges…

  5. Best pick-up line ever:
    “Excuse me, but you wouldn’t happen to have six fingers on your left hand would you?”

  6. just added a link to your blog on my website (in the “Elsewhere” section). You can view my site at http://philosophy.and.mixtapes.angelfire.com . Hope its alright that I added you. If not, just let me know.

  7. No, it’s great. Thanks.

  8. Hi FP – The famous comedic Jews I know from – hell, reading Portnoy’s Complaint at 18 put a great deal of my existence in perspective (which probably sounds incredibly odd coming from someone with two X chromosomes, but take that for what you will).

    With the exception of Jerry Seinfeld (long story), I’m with you on that whole list. I guess the types I had in mind were the dudes on JDate or wherever who thought that “funny” meant rehashing Simpsons or Family Guy lines rather than coming up with their own material or finding humor in the world around them. It says a lot when someone can look at the absurd turns life can take and laugh their way through them.

  9. ….so you’re saying that if i hear a line similar to this on a date…i should run away, huh?

  10. I’m saying if you hear any of these on a regular basis while dating you should think about who you date.

  11. yea but it’s lines like those that make those dates so much more fun and interesting than the usual ones…

  12. I wrote a bunch of things that I figured would be “dealbreakers” for most people. Sure, it can be a good story, but will you marry the guy telling you about his fights in Ben Yehuda?

    By the way, did anyone get this one: “So I got an โ€˜Aโ€™. I always hated shopping for underwear after that.”?

    I thought it was quite clever.

  13. i got it but could not think of an appropiate response. i think that was the funniest one except for the “i’m very important” one.

  14. Didn’t see this until now, but great post! Hilarious.

  15. i have heard waaaay too many of those on shidduch dates…

    and maestro – seinfeld ref?

  16. a2: Maybe they’re just fans of mine? ๐Ÿ™‚

    And Maestro is from Seinfeld, yeah. I think I wrote these after watching that episode, the idea of an insufferable date is always good comedy.

  17. chevramaidel Says:

    The one about getting an A? Not funny.I’m the one who said it.

  18. Haha, I just found this. I’m pretty sure a Pinky and the Brain reference would get a second date with me. A Monty Python reference would totally seal the deal ๐Ÿ™‚ Oh, my geek flag, she sure is colorful.
    Thanks for keeping me amused at work!

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