I Need A Shidduch

Oy, so I heard about this internet thing, and how some people are finding their zvigum through it? I have a friend who seems to know about this stuff, so I’ve asked him to post it for me on this internet thing. This was transcribed only while I was on the toilet so as not to chas v’shalom be bittul toyrah.

So where to begin? My name is Yaakov Chofetz Chaim Shmuelovitz-Feinstein. I’m twenty two years old bli ayin horah, and currently giving shiur in Lakewood. I previously learned in Mir Yerushalayim and Ponevitz, until my Rebbeim insisted there was nothing more they could teach me. My yichus includes Rashi, Tosefos, Rav Boruch Ber, The Baal Shem Tov, Rav Moshe Feinstein, Rav Henoch Leibowitz and the Lubavitcher Rebbe, just to name a few. I spend all my waking hours indoors learning, I can’t even step out for lunch because of bittul toyrah, and also because if I go outside I begin being hounded by modeling agencies begging me to consider being the face of some fashion label or other. My father gives a mesechta yomi shiur, and when he’s not doing that, he’s writing checks to tzedokah out of his vast fortune. I don’t know much about my mother, as I hold its untzniyos to know of females once you are weaned from wetting the bed, rochmona letzon, but I’m told she makes the best choolant in Kew Garden Hills, doesn’t hold by plastic table covers, and wears slip on shoes. She also organizes the annual sheiytal burning.

Now people have asked me what I’m looking for in a shidduch? Its not that important. I’ll be learning all day, so she’ll have to be content with shopping most of the time to keep her occupied, I suppose. Beyond that I don’t have any sort of requirements, if she can do that she’ll do just fine. So nu, internet people? Can you maybe do a suggestion?

(Note: Spur of the moment, inspired by the last part of this post.)