I Need A Shidduch

Oy, so I heard about this internet thing, and how some people are finding their zvigum through it? I have a friend who seems to know about this stuff, so I’ve asked him to post it for me on this internet thing. This was transcribed only while I was on the toilet so as not to chas v’shalom be bittul toyrah.

So where to begin? My name is Yaakov Chofetz Chaim Shmuelovitz-Feinstein. I’m twenty two years old bli ayin horah, and currently giving shiur in Lakewood. I previously learned in Mir Yerushalayim and Ponevitz, until my Rebbeim insisted there was nothing more they could teach me. My yichus includes Rashi, Tosefos, Rav Boruch Ber, The Baal Shem Tov, Rav Moshe Feinstein, Rav Henoch Leibowitz and the Lubavitcher Rebbe, just to name a few. I spend all my waking hours indoors learning, I can’t even step out for lunch because of bittul toyrah, and also because if I go outside I begin being hounded by modeling agencies begging me to consider being the face of some fashion label or other. My father gives a mesechta yomi shiur, and when he’s not doing that, he’s writing checks to tzedokah out of his vast fortune. I don’t know much about my mother, as I hold its untzniyos to know of females once you are weaned from wetting the bed, rochmona letzon, but I’m told she makes the best choolant in Kew Garden Hills, doesn’t hold by plastic table covers, and wears slip on shoes. She also organizes the annual sheiytal burning.

Now people have asked me what I’m looking for in a shidduch? Its not that important. I’ll be learning all day, so she’ll have to be content with shopping most of the time to keep her occupied, I suppose. Beyond that I don’t have any sort of requirements, if she can do that she’ll do just fine. So nu, internet people? Can you maybe do a suggestion?

(Note: Spur of the moment, inspired by the last part of this post.)

16 Responses to “I Need A Shidduch”

  1. That was just too funny!

    But you don’t know how close to truth you are.

    “I don’t know much about my mother, as I hold its untzniyos to know of females”

    I know people like that! Very sad!

    That was great. I think I’ll e-mail this out to some friends, if you don’t mind?

  2. Thanks. Feel free to send it to whoever you want.
    I’m surprised you think its that good. I thought it was funnier in my head.

  3. It’s just a few really good lines here and there that gives it the overall affect of it being excellent.

  4. Now that’s really backwards, because you said that you were surprised I thought it was that good, I had to make up an excuse to make it sound like I didn’t think it was that good.

  5. One sided opinions said….

    It was good, but how did he know about internet, better yet how is he able to go on the internet.

  6. Mike: I explained it in the first paragraph.

  7. You do realize that Rav Henoch Leibowitz had no children?

    Other than that I think I can set you up with my illegitimate daughter.

  8. “You do realize that Rav Henoch Leibowitz had no children?”

    He didn’t have any of his own children he did however have step children from his second marriage.

  9. Child Ish: Lets not call out intentional inaccuracies in a humorous article, eh?

    Outaline: What happened to your blog?

  10. “This was transcribed only while I was on the toilet so as not to chas v’shalom be bittul toyrah.”
    i once heard that ur not supposed to talk while going to the bathroom

  11. I haven’t had the time lately between a full time job and starting a business i rarely have time to think about what to post let alone the time write it. Hopefully someday soon I’ll be posting again.

  12. What I’m dying to know, is the spelling of the word “Letzon” a subliminal attempt at humor? (Letzon being possibly the beginning of the word “letzonus”) Hmmmm….

  13. koisel: I’d like to say yes, but nah, its just my poor transliteration.

  14. punk: Oh well, Like it says in the commercial, ” a dollar and a dream ….. “

  15. ברוכים הבאים צי היימיש שמועסן איו טעלפון שמועסן זייט היימיש שעם זיך נישט

    Jewish Chat Room, Heimish Yiddish Phone ChatOwners:…Professor…Shaifeleh…BeNice…Jake…Dimp…Kingdavid… Moderators:…Stan…Josh…Nisht… Lovey

    http://heimishsex.com/

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