You Can Take It With You

It’s an odd time of the year to write this, considering now is the time when the fresh crop is heading to Israel, but I’ve just left my summer inspiration tour, so deal with it. In fact, you should probably print this out and tape it up in your dorm room so you know what to do when you get back home. How do you take the holiness and heimishness of your year in Israel back with you? Here’s what to do when you get homesick:

Burn A Trash Can

Thursday night schwarma just isn’t the same without the sweet smell of burning plastic in the air. Bring a little back with you by tossing your lighter into the first dumpster you see. Crowd around, bring the marshmallows. If someone asks you what you’re doing, simply yell “free the yenta!”, give the black power salute, and run away.

Negotiate, Negotiate, Negotiate

Bring the art of negotiating the price of everything back as a keepsake. Before taking the subway, go up to one of the booths and offer them fifteen cents to take you to Long Island. Go as high as forty if you have to. If you reach a standstill just walk away. They’ll call you back.

Bring Some Penguins

You might get sick of seeing colors other than black, white and cholent everywhere. In fact, a leading cause of post Israel hospitalizations is stress shock brought on by depriving the brain of vivid colors for a year and then going to the village (or wherever it is the kids hang out these days. On that note, gettoff my lawn).

Am I saying you should rob a zoo? No. I’m just suggesting you populate the streets with a life form that walks upright and wears only yeshivish colors. I might also be handing you a map of the best back entrances to a zoo, but if you get caught, you never knew me. You can also try pandas, but since they’re not upright you might find yourself more accurately recreating purim.

Add Some Grease

Lets face it. What you’re eating isn’t really food unless you find that when you wrap it in a laffa you have a puddle of grease on your plate from the residue dripping out the bottom. Otherwise, what you have there might be more appropriately be termed “quasi food. Semi food. The Diet Coke of food.”

Furthermore, Israel is widely considered to be the second most heimish place in the world (right after Brooklyn). As you know, I’m something of a heimishologist and while the subject requires further research, I firmly believe that the addition of grease raises the heimish in your average foodstuff by several thousand percent. And heimish means frum. And don’t we all want to be frummer?

17 Responses to “You Can Take It With You”

  1. now this post is frackin funny! welcome back, yo. u coming to brooklyn capital of heimishness anytime soon? I got a couple of mosquitos with ur name on them 😉

  2. Excellent. I dig this blog – I’ve read two posts and it’s already on my followed list!

  3. I thought no deoderant was also a sign of heimishness.

  4. B”H

    Well, if you don’t want me to burn anymore trash cans, then I suggest you build me a roller coaster on Kikar Shabbat, because I’m bored.

    I got the Austen Powers reference. Did anyone else. Cute,…excellent films.

  5. Heimish theme park anyone?

  6. “burn a trash can” made me laugh out loud 🙂

  7. Damn, I gotta start responding to comments before they gather cobwebs. Sorry guys.

    Jacob: Summer 2010 for sure. And I’ll be bringing someone, so double up on the burgers, alright? 🙂

    FrumCurious: Thanks!

    Mike: That’s a secondary sign of heimishness. There are levels, and while no deodorant might be a side effect of heimishness, it could also just mean you’re homeless.

    Ben-Yehudah: Has throwing stones at Arab taxis lost its luster? You kids these days, back when I was your age all we got to do was throw one stone a month, and we were happy with it.
    And I think you’re the only one to get the reference.

    Moshe: I wouldn’t trust the safety of those rides. Although a coaster where you skim a giant bowl of cholent could be fun…

    Nameless: Glad to be of service. 🙂

  8. FP,

    C’mon.

    Throwing stones at Arabs and their cabs is SO 2005!

    But, of course, we still maintain a Purim tradition, nonetheless.

    😉

  9. BY: so ’95 more like it!

  10. JDJ, Fashion gets resurrected every 20 years; acts of violence every 10.

    😉

  11. […] How to take the holiness of your year in Israel back with you? Frum Punk says you should burn a garbage can! […]

  12. Ohh I missed me some Frum Punk!

    You’re engaged?? Or am I reading way to much into the burger comment?

  13. Yeah tell us FP — are you engaged? We’d never know; you hardly write about her…enquiring minds want to know! 🙂

  14. Stacy: I’m not engaged, but I know the girl I will be to. (What a terrible sentence.) So I’d say you’ve read about halfway.

  15. Good. I like being right 🙂

  16. […] For those of you going back to America and want to remember Israel, read this post and realize that you can take it with you! […]

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