Reviews You Can Use: The KosherClock

‘Tis the season to get things for free, or give out lots of things, depending what side of the fence you’re on. For the sake of the public good, I’m going to review things people give me. You’re welcome.

Gift number one is the KosherClock, from the people who brought you the Shabbos Lamp (slogan: “One great idea, loads of ridiculous ones”). It’s difficult for me to own a KosherClock, because I made fun of it when it came out. A cheap travel alarm clock, re-branded as “kosher” and overpriced? But here it is, so onwards with the review:

The design is simple. A Chinese made molded plastic clock, with a hinge connecting a picture frame. Speaker on the back, a side switch changes the ring sound from mute, to message (more on that in a bit) to a buzzer. The picture frame comes with a picture of a little frum boy, who judging from his body posture and expression, really needs to pee, or just has a stomacheache. I haven’t yet figured out how to change the picture. Looks like you have to pry the inner frame out with a screwdriver or something. Just as well, because I don’t have a picture of anyone to put in. I guess I’ll just keep the little boy, and use it to remind myself to pee when I wake up.

The clock comes with a prerecorded message that you can change. The message is thirty seconds of what I think is music. It sounds like when you try to record a song from the radio by pressing record on your phone, then trying to play it back through a dead rabbit inside a garbage can, only worse fidelity. And its at an ear-splitting volume. Did I mention there’s no volume button? The puny speaker sounds like its screaming for mercy everytime I hit play. The music itself sounds like the middle part of any random Jewish song. I’d change it, but like the picture of the little boy, I don’t have anything to change it to. The box suggests “It’s Monday Abba, time for early minyan” but if I woke up to that, I’d be more concerned when I became a father than making it to early minyan.

The big selling point of the clock is that it has five, count ’em, five alarms. Unfortunately, I don’t really lead an existence that involves going to sleep four times during the day between getting up in the morning and bedtime. The ring turns off after one minute, which is the selling point of it being a Shabbos clock. Which begs the question, why didn’t they call it the “ShabbosClock”? KosherClock to me seems to imply that pedestrian alarm clocks are somehow treif.

It’s a nice gift, and for those of you needing a clock with multiple alarms and an incontinent little boy, I highly recommend it.

21 Responses to “Reviews You Can Use: The KosherClock”

  1. i have one and ive only used it on yom kippur.
    i never HAVE to wake up that early for minyan, so any other time i need to be woken up- usually someone in my family is available for the job

  2. es – i always have to wake up now shabbos morning before the men get home from shul…. mostly due to my clothes residing in the living room closet.

    frum punk – im laughing out loud at work – it’s lines like these that make me enjoy your posts so much:

    “The picture frame comes with a picture of a little frum boy, who judging from his body posture and expression, really needs to pee…..I’ll just keep the little boy, and use it to remind myself to pee when I wake up.”

    “It sounds like when ….then trying to play it back through a dead rabbit inside a garbage can,”

    “The box suggests “It’s Monday Abba, time for early minyan” but if I woke up to that, I’d be more concerned when I became a father than making it to early minyan.”

    “Unfortunately, I don’t really lead an existence that involves going to sleep four times during the day between getting up in the morning and bedtime.”

    “for those of you needing a clock with multiple alarms and an incontinent little boy,”

  3. I’m with Stam on this one….
    Hysterical post.
    Very well written.

  4. I’m with Stam on this one….
    Hysterical post.
    Very well written

  5. Thank you stam and G6.

  6. I would write a longer reply, but from your description, I feel a need to go pee for some reason…

  7. This was great.

    If I had one I’d preset the alarms for these times on Shabbos:

    1) 30 minutes before shul starts

    2) 5 minutes before shul starts

    3) 10 minutes before Baruch Hu

    4) 10 minutes before Haftorah

    5) 10 before Kiddush

  8. I can not get that picture frame open. and you would think that when i put it in my guest room and my company knows me they wouldn’t all say “hey, who is that kid? You don’t have any blondes in the family”

  9. I think the big advantage to to this brilliant but rather simple marketing tool is the fact that the alarm goes off after a few minutes.

    The only really useful thing they have invented is the lamp. That was clever. but the new toilet paper thing? snort

  10. what new toilet paper thing?

  11. This is hilarious…

  12. lol, I actually was babysitting by house once where the kids were sleeping, the mother was about to leave the house, then all of a sudden I hear “Mommy you have a phone call” or something like that, and I think to myself, where’s that coming from. Then I see her cell phone ringer was set to that, it was the cutest thing. You reminded me of that with the father comment.

    I heard that any pharmacy alarm clock would be good so long as the sound is not to high to be heard in another room, and that it doesn’t last long.

    and Frum Punk, that was a really funny post

    Daughters in the parsha: lol, that’s funny, you must take very good pictures for them to think that the picture it came with was yours. Although I’ve never seen the picture yet.

  13. wow, look at that I took up your whole comment section, that’s 10 comments in a row!

  14. and now I continue to be the only commenter!

    Just wanted to let you know I tagged you in a meme Here If your interested.

  15. Frum: Eating it might be one way to muffle that annoying noise…..Hmm..

  16. Tag your it. I tagged you.

  17. I’m very happy with my radio alarm which turns off after 2 hours. I’m actually woken up by my 2 year old jumping on me between the ungodly hours of 6:30AM and 7:30AM.

  18. @frumpunk: I love your review of the KosherClock. I actually work at the company that makes it, Kosher Innovations. I think your observations about the clock are right-on, you should write ad copy for us.

    FYI: to remove the photo, just press your thumb at the center of the picture and slide up. There is a thin plastic covering the photo and it should buckle. There are little tabs that hold it in place. Then you can remove the boy who needs to pee. (Maybe I should have used his picture on the Shabbos Bathroom Tissue.)

    I gave a clock to each of my kids. They love it. More for the recordable feature than anything else. They record silly voices and have fun playing it back. I printed off some cool artwork and replaced pee-boy with them. Maybe I’ll make the designs available for download.

    I learned from personal experience that if you really want to scare someone, record your voice in a whisper and set the alarm. Then hide the KosherClock somewhere in a room with a bunch of people. When the alarm with your whispered voice goes off, people will be turning their heads everywhere, thinking they hear voices.

    Personally, I like the clock best for travel ’cause it’s small and has that protective book-like cover.

    Thanks for the review!

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