The Gift Guide
I won’t bore you with a verbose introduction. Here’s my pick of stuff that is awesome, practical and not boring.
Radioactive Uranium Marbles
A full write up can be found here. Radiation is fun. Every man, and most will never admit this even to themselves, hopes to someday get irradiated in just the right way so he ends up with superpowers instead of cancer. These marbles are filled with enough uranium to set off a Geiger counter and will glow under UV light. But it’s safely concealed in glass, so you can hold the power of possible mutation safely. Plus, marbles are the classic kosher game, so these even work as gifts for chassidishe kids!
Donald Trump Wig
For the hocker in your life. Any hocker worth his Acura would admit that The Donald is essentially their role model. Professionally, you have to always seem to be involved in real estate deals while nothing seems to ever really happen. Success is 99% about having the appearance of being important. As these guys hit their late twenties and thirties they tend to go balder than the average male Jew, probably due to the stress of keeping up appearances and flipping car loans to be able to have the newest Acura or Lexus. Allow these aging heroes to maintain their self-respect with a Donald Trump hairpiece. If that hair helped The Donald build New York, imagine what it can do for Chezky (Charlie). http://www.zoogstercostumes.com/products/pe190290br.html
Clothing? On this list? Well this isn’t a pair of socks. Get your loved ones something that can express how they’d imagine they’d present their personality as written by an underpaid lemming at a tshirt pressing plant. Or sewing. I don’t claim to know how they make tshirts.
For the stoner otd roomate: You know these guys, they’re either students or low wage workers, just making enough money to buy more chronic. Probably otd, they love Shabbos because they can spend the day smoking without having to worry about work. And if you get the munchies, nothing like cholent. “I Don’t Roll On Shabbos” gets them to reference The Big Lebowski, which they love, its bascially an unwritten rule for their type, along with their love of the green and a quick mussar reminder than maybe use Shabbos as a day of rest and increased intellectual activity beyond Futurama while baked?
For the chasidish rocker: These guys are solid chassidim, but they hide a little of the headbanging spirit. If you look under the seat of their 1995 Chevy station wagon you’re sure to find a few G’n’R tapes, maybe some AC/DC, maybe even some Metallica? When these guys give it up they listen to Metallish to get their fill. While they could never wear a tshirt in public, this probably works great under a wool tallis and white shirt, allowing them to keep the spirit close to heart while maintaining appearances.
Bacon Flavored Coffee
I’m mostly including this because I just read the post on “The Treifa Dilemma” by Frum Satire. This coffee is, in the words of its makers “Reminiscent of a hearty Saturday morning breakfast around the table”. Presumably that breakfast includes bacon and maybe maple syrup. So find out what it’s like to eat bacon while getting your morning caffeine buzz! I can’t imagine a stupider sounding flavor! Seriously, a meat flavored drink? Disclaimer: May not be kosher.
Ninja Throwing Star Magnets
Every guy loves Japanese weaponry. Give any guy a cheap “samurai” sword to hold, and he’ll get a look in his eye like he belongs in Tekken. These magnets pretty much give the appearance of being a throwing star stuck in a (metal) surface. Keep em on the cholent pot. Tell guests you like to cut the meat when it’s already inside the pot. Adds to the flavor.
A Foot Powered Laptop Charger
This might be the only thing on the list that’s both practical and awesome. Using your foot to pump a lever that generates energy to charge your laptop. It gives you the ability to keep blogging without being near an outlet while also providing some exercise to people who sit at their laptop all day. Constant reps on this could probably get you decent calves after a while. See the demonstration here. It will apparently charge any electronics, including cameras and iPods. Just a matter of having the right plug.
A Solid Gold Throne
I see this as simply the ultimate pesach chair. The head of the house is supposed to be the king on his throne. So what do you do? You probably load some old pillows on it to make it seem plusher. Maybe you drag over the La-Z-Boy for him. But do you think real kings sat on plush chairs? No, their chairs were uncomfortable and hard. Because they were made of solid gold, and you didn’t put cushions over them, because then you have less gold visible. This solid gold beauty costs $3000. And isn’t it worth it for yom tov?
I’m kinda seeing this one for the shidduch girls crowd. They all have iPods anyway, and if you ask any yenta, they’ll tell you the reason these girls aren’t married is due to thier poor posture, gained from years of sleeping hunched over those school desks at Beis Yaakov. I’m not totally certain how it works, but these girls are desperate enough to try anything. The fact that it’s an iPod accessory is just a bonus.