Archive for October 6, 2008

This Week in Heimishness

Posted in Food, Funny?, Heimish on October 6, 2008 by frumpunk

In an exclusive interview today, noted heimish nutritionist Feivel Yomtovstein released the findings of his ten month study into the eating habits of Jewish New Yorkers.

The study revealed that most people have a serious lack of heimish in their diets. Heimishness, or as it is known to the scientific world, “Vitamin H” is responsible for the parts of the brain that regulate yiddisheness, heiligehness and moiradikness. A reduced intake of heimishness has been directly linked to several ailments such as reduced beard growth, increased use of English, less delicious chicken soup, and jeans.

Vitamin H can be found in many food such as cholent, Avenue J pizza, and kugel (potato or yerushalmi only). While trace amounts of heimish have been found in other foods such as Paskez candy and shawarma, for a full days supply of heimish that the body needs, most experts recommend cholent. “Its amazing, but our studies have concluded that a single bowl of cholent can supply the body with enough heimish to last at least two days” one expert said. It should be noted of course, that the heimish content of cholent is directly related to its contents, and seems to be linked to increased meat and oil present in a cholent. Studies done on a vegetarian cholent found little to no trace of heimishess. “It was just a tasteless stew” one study participant noted.

To ensure that the community becomes aware of their findings, plans are under way to distribute food charts to the heimishe velt. These charts, based upon the pyramid system first used by nutritionists in 1954, are similar the current ones used by the secular world (R”L) but with the section for fruit and vegetables replaced by a new “heimish food group” designed to take into account the added need for heimishness that a yiddeshe body has. The chart recommends at least four to six servings a day of cholent, kugel and other oily foods. This has sparked much debate among nutritionists as to the exact nature of heimishness and why only Jews seem to suffer from a lack of it while the average non-Jewish male can go his entire life without a bowl of cholent and suffer no apparent ill-effects.

Dr Redbeard Rothbard, noted non-Jew, speculates that the natural selection that existed due to forced segregation among the Jewish population in Europe from the 5th to 18th centuries is the cause of not only exclusive diseases such as Tay Sachs but also developed a certain gland or brain hormone among the Jews that is the direct cause of the ill effects suffered by an absence of heimishness. Dr Rothbard plans to release his findings in a future issue of American Health.

Allegations Worry Community

Posted in Funny?, New York on October 6, 2008 by frumpunk

Kiryas Yoel – This sleepy little town of several hundred has been rocked lately by allegations that it may in fact be part of the United States of America, an autonomous community of six hundred million that it has long bordered.

This has sent this normally quiet town into an unusual panic as residents struggled to grasp the implications of these allegations. “Nu, so dos dis mean ve must follow de law of zis treifa velt?” one worried resident asked, under condition of anonymity. The allegations came public after a series of notices posted by an anonymous whistle-blower only known as “Reb Yid”.

Kiryas Yoel has long been considered the last ethnocentrically segregated country in North America. It is known for its pioneering of technological advances such as the wall poster, a means of direct communication considered superior to email for its ability to transmit information to a large group of people instantaneously, and the tire-slash, a means of directly informing people that they should not, in fact, be living there.

While the identity of “Reb Yid” is unknown, speculation is rife. Public opinion at the moment is that he is a white male, between the ages of 18 and 65, probably with a beard, white shirt and suit. Naturally, this has put everyone fitting that description under intense scrutiny by the other residents.

One resident was heard to remark “Mamish, ze oilam vill nisht stand for zis”.

For VNN, I’m David Gallbladder,

(Note: Satire. Nothing written represent the personal opinion of the writer, or indeed, anyone at all.)