My Shidduch Resume

If not for Jewish sites I would have no idea what’s going on in the world outside of my own little Jewish enclave, particularly when it comes to shidduch madness. Stack or scrape, slip ons or laces, plastic or not… these things are second hand rumors that we hear come from New York, after which everyone is at a consensus that we’re glad we don’t live there. It’s all a good thing though. After some 2000 years we’ve gotten to the point where we can afford to focus on minutiae instead of say, pogroms. The latest thing is shidduch resumes as brought to my attention by the blogger most likely to post things first, the inimitable Frum Satire. (Or do I call him Jewish Comedy now? Loses something methinks.)

Summary and Personal

Date of Birth: 12-5-1985

Name: (English first name) (English second name) (Non-Jewish last name). Not quite Chaim Modche Brecher.

Yichus: Parents are balei teshuvos. I’m 3rd or 4th cousins with Billy Joel. Also, I was named after a famous actor. Direct descendant of Adam HaRishon.

Parents looking for: Something female. I think they’re getting hysterical.

Appearance: Adam Goldberg-oid. (If you don’t know who that is, you’re too frum for me.)

Dating History: Inadvertently launched Gisele Bündchen’s modeling career by telling her she “waddled”. She launched a runway career just to spite me.

Photo:
Only eyes and hair currently available.

Education

K-12:
Stereotypical Yeshiva High School.

Yeshiva: Yes.

Post-Yeshiva: College. The only Jew on campus.


Work Experience

1998-2003: Packed latex gloves, watched meat, fixed computers.

2005-2006: Fixed computers at a Circuit City.

2006- : Filed law cases, stocked shelves, unloaded vans.

Hanhagos and Opinions Checklist

Mother’s use of Sabbath Mode oven: They have that these days?

Posek: AskTheRav.com

Internet: Only certain tubes.

Use of a community Eruv: Just to annoy the people who don’t hold by it.

Indian Hair Sheitels: Depends. Do they come with an Indian? Also, American Indian or Indian Indian?

Seat Belt Use: Live fast, die young.

Hobbies: Writing shidduch resumes.

Shabbos Table: Plastic everything. Convenience is king.

Would be willing to live in: Certain parts of New York. Specifically one of those Manhattan Penthouses.

Music Preferences: Yeshiva Boys Choir; no more Lipa, Schwecky, or Carlebach

Ideal Chesed Opportunities:Helping ex-members of Miami Boys Choir get real jobs.

13 Responses to “My Shidduch Resume”

  1. That is really funny.

  2. Awesome!
    I love your work experience!

  3. Hilarious. My favorite: Looking for: Something Femals, I think my parent’s are getting hysterical. Brilliant!!

  4. I actually have an uncle named Chaim Modche (really!)

  5. chevramaidel Says:

    The only Jew on campus?? Where was this, Riyadh U.? Even Bob Jones is probably 20% Jewish.

  6. chevramaidel Says:

    Oh,yeah,and as for “Looking for something female”-Have you tried going home in a dress?

  7. The eruv answer was clutch.

    Thanks!

  8. chevramaidel: Maybe a bit of an exaggeration. I’ve met two other Jews, and there’s a kid named Christopher Abrahams who might be Jewish but not know it. But this isnt exactly NYU never mind YU.

    And If I came home in a dress they’d start looking for a nice boy for me, then we’d get married in Massachusetts.

  9. frumyenta Says:

    Very funny!
    Though I think your parents are being too picky. I mean how do you expect to get married if your future wife must fill all of your requirements??!!

  10. You beat me to it- I was just too laizy to do one this week- I want to do a series of them for all the different sects of Jews.

    http://frumsatire.net

  11. lmao… if your serious about getting married you should print out a bunch and leave them on peoples windshields, now that’s the serious way to find a mate.

  12. I didn’t know who Adam Goldberg was, and I’m not even Jewish. Am I not too frum because I bothered to look him up?

  13. Hello everyone, it’s my first go to see at this web site, and paragraph is truly fruitful for me, keep up posting such content.

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