My Shidduch Resume
If not for Jewish sites I would have no idea what’s going on in the world outside of my own little Jewish enclave, particularly when it comes to shidduch madness. Stack or scrape, slip ons or laces, plastic or not… these things are second hand rumors that we hear come from New York, after which everyone is at a consensus that we’re glad we don’t live there. It’s all a good thing though. After some 2000 years we’ve gotten to the point where we can afford to focus on minutiae instead of say, pogroms. The latest thing is shidduch resumes as brought to my attention by the blogger most likely to post things first, the inimitable Frum Satire. (Or do I call him Jewish Comedy now? Loses something methinks.)
Summary and Personal
Date of Birth: 12-5-1985
Name: (English first name) (English second name) (Non-Jewish last name). Not quite Chaim Modche Brecher.
Yichus: Parents are balei teshuvos. I’m 3rd or 4th cousins with Billy Joel. Also, I was named after a famous actor. Direct descendant of Adam HaRishon.
Parents looking for: Something female. I think they’re getting hysterical.
Appearance: Adam Goldberg-oid. (If you don’t know who that is, you’re too frum for me.)
Dating History: Inadvertently launched Gisele Bündchen’s modeling career by telling her she “waddled”. She launched a runway career just to spite me.
Photo: Only eyes and hair currently available.
K-12:Stereotypical Yeshiva High School.
Post-Yeshiva: College. The only Jew on campus.
1998-2003: Packed latex gloves, watched meat, fixed computers.
2005-2006: Fixed computers at a Circuit City.
2006- : Filed law cases, stocked shelves, unloaded vans.
Hanhagos and Opinions Checklist
Mother’s use of Sabbath Mode oven: They have that these days?
Internet: Only certain tubes.
Use of a community Eruv: Just to annoy the people who don’t hold by it.
Indian Hair Sheitels: Depends. Do they come with an Indian? Also, American Indian or Indian Indian?
Seat Belt Use: Live fast, die young.
Hobbies: Writing shidduch resumes.
Shabbos Table: Plastic everything. Convenience is king.
Would be willing to live in: Certain parts of New York. Specifically one of those Manhattan Penthouses.
Music Preferences: Yeshiva Boys Choir; no more Lipa, Schwecky, or Carlebach
Ideal Chesed Opportunities:Helping ex-members of Miami Boys Choir get real jobs.